To My Daughter

I have long been looking for the right words to speak to my daughter. Toddlering has been hitting our house with a vengeance. No place or person is safe from her wrath. The pantry shutters every time those tiny feet shuffle by, knowing no snack housed on its shelves is safe. The child locks are pointless, our kid figured them out within a day. McGyver should have been our daughter’s name. We could have also gone with Chaos Quinn, however I thought paying homage to my family was appropriate. Her wild hair and cheesy grin are enough to melt even the strongest of people into a puddle. She lights up the room the second she walks in; she has changed my life in all of the best ways.

I want her to know that she was dreamt about for years before I even saw those two pink lines or gagged every morning for nine months while brushing my teeth. I spent hours daydreaming about who my child would become. I wondered how she would look or act. All of these minutes were wasted because being her mom has exceeded my wildest dreams. I would do all of the hardest things in life 1000x over just to have her. We struggled for months to get pregnant. Each test I took was the painful reminder that our hopes of being parents were postponed yet again. I cried, I yelled, I longed. Looking back, the pain this caused was meant to teach a lesson. Patience was something I lacked, and as the saying goes, “The best things in life are worth waiting for”. Boy, is that true.

After she entered this world, I was so hormonally ecstatic. I would cry in the shower everyday because I was just so happy. Then the anxiety would settle in. For the first several nights I slept with my hand on her chest, just to make sure she was still breathing. I would wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming that something terrible happened. I wanted more than anything to just be in the moment, but postpartum is a trip. After we moved her up to her room at about three months, I moved a mattress onto the floor below her crib. I climbed into that bed for months, just in case something happened. I would do it all over again. I would sleep on a pile of rocks with a cactus for a pillow, just to know she was going to be alright. I loved those moments, hearing her little coos as she slipped softly into sleep.

As time passed I started realizing just how quickly your child grows. With each new milestone comes the passing of time. I also discovered a very important lesson. In life there are watchers and there are doers, my daughter is the latter. She is always discovering the world. Sometimes this means doing flips off of her table and placing a potato on my candleholder, but she isn’t phased. She is up at the crack of dawn, and doesn’t stop until she is tucked in at night. She is exhausting and wild, but I wouldn’t have her any other way. She is also smart and inquisitive. She is funny and kind. She is just a cool kid. We are currently in a phase where she associates wearing hats with being outside. So, any time we head out the door there is an unwritten rule she must have a hat on her head. Picking my battles included letting her wear a toboggan in May. I love her little personal codes of conduct. She is fine with ripping off her diaper and peeing on the floor, but heaven forbid there is a door left open. Toddlers don’t make any sense, but that is what makes them so miraculous. How can a human go 100 miles an hour being fueled by applesauce and ice cubes that fall on the floor?

As my daughter grows, I fear for her future. Not because the world is a scary place, but because I don’t think the world is ready for Chaos Quinn. She is persistent and stubborn. She will fight the good fight and make a difference. She will be the best part of someone’s day. My daughter is going to find a way to be whatever she wants. If I had to guess right now, I think she will probably be a farmer. Not a farmer’s wife, but the head honcho. She has spent more time in the hayfield than most will in a lifetime. She walks up to calves without fear and shows them unwavering gentleness. This is a lot coming from a child that shakes as she says “easyyyyyyy” any time she pets our dogs. I don’t know what all she will do, but I’m not going to spend much time trying to guess. I know that she will exceed every expectation anyone ever has. I am so thankful and proud of the little girl that calls me “Mama”.